You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
Randomize
