I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
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