i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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