I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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