Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
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