awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
just threw up in the bus full of other international students just outside of boulder, just keeping the aussie reputation alive
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Randomize
