I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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