The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
