Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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