I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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