'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
