She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
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