make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
Randomize
