Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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