I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Randomize
