Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize