More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Randomize
