Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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