an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
