Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
soo... how was my night?
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
