Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
Randomize
