Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
Randomize
