I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
Randomize
