do you remember what downloading porn with a 14k modem was like?
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
porn star boner night. come get it.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
