i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
Randomize
