im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Randomize
