He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
