Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
