would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Randomize
