I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
