i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
