Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
Randomize
