My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
Randomize
