If that was your dad, he is hot
Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
