im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
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