I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
