This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
