Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Why dose there have to be another girl there for you to do this?
its hotter. Way hotter.
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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