Kareoke will never be a sober sport
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
