im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
