guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
Randomize
