you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
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