3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
I'm pants shitting drunk right now
wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Randomize
