I think i peed on brittanys purse
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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