my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Randomize
