She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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