you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
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