I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Randomize
