Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
Randomize