Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
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