I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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