I can feel you judging me through the phone.
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
Randomize
