she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
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