How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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