trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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