so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
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