Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Randomize
