My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
Randomize
