I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize
