Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
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